I'm living in the heart of a miracle right now. For the last several weeks, a story has been quietly unfolding that has literally taken my breath away and at times, reduced me to tears. It's everything I've prayed for and needed, wrapped in the unexpectedness with which Jesus often presents His greatest gifts. If you follow this blog regularly, perhaps you're guessing by now that it has something to do with the book I was recently published in. Surprisingly, it doesn't. It's been a completely separate story that's been running simultaneously and only a couple close friends outside my immediate family even know about it. Much like when Jesus healed somebody and told them not to broadcast it, it's not time yet to share the story. I can sense I'm just supposed to sit in the moment right now and savor this journey - this testimony that God is building in the most beautiful of ways.
While it will probably be a few weeks or even months before I'm ready to fully share what God has been up to, I have been learning some pretty powerful things along the way that I want to open up about in hopes it will maybe help you better understand what God is doing in your own miracle story He is creating for you...
1. Miracles can be laced with uncertainty.
This is something that has been a new lesson for me. Usually we think of supernatural or miraculous moments as being a confirmation of certainty or hope but I'm discovering that there often lies within it a trace of the unknown. When you're living through something that is bigger than yourself or what you can control, there are going to be moments when it's hard to wrap your mind around what the Master is envisioning. It will appear as though He is going contrary to what seems good in the moment or what seems logical. You quickly realize you are not in control, and you truly never were. This is His story to write and you are just along for the ride.
Our brains are wired for predictability and, when there doesn't seem to be something certain to anchor to, it will start to spin stories and fill in the gaps. If you cannot hold the tension of that in-between - the powerlessness of that waiting and wondering - then the life of faith will be very difficult for you. Because the realm of the uncontrollable and impossible is exactly where Jesus lives all the time. He works in that space of us sitting with our questions, doubts, fears, and insecurities and spins His best testimonies from the things that look the bleakest. You won't see all that God is up to as you're walking through a miracle. When we are at the edge of what is certain and we're staring into the unknown, that is where He is most present.
2. Healing isn't about putting the pain in the rearview mirror - it's about reframing it and walking through new situations with the wisdom you've gained.
Journeying through this experience I've been going through has exposed in me something I didn't know was really there: a self-protection that's the result of years of pain and a desire to move forward with life and stop living in a constant cycle of loss and hurt. In an effort to put some distance between myself and the valley years of my story... in an attempt to be better at establishing healthy boundaries and learn how to protect my inner peace... I have also built a safe place around myself where things are predictable and stable and certain and the future looks like one that is known and understandable and protected.
But this situation has taken my right into the heart of some of my biggest losses. It has asked me to face some of my biggest fears and wonder if I might be asked to lose yet again. And God is using it to disclose to me that perhaps healing isn't what I thought. Instead of just trying to get some space between my life today and what happened back there, perhaps healing involves reliving some experiences that hurt you in the past and bringing the lessons forward that you gained so that the outcome and the way you handle it looks different. Maybe courage is saying you'll go through a similar thing again and trusting God will hold your hand the same and you will face what nearly broke you all over again. To love and to live is to hold the tension of the unknown, believing all the while.
3. The Accuser will try to throw your old trigger points, distractions, temptations, and struggles at you in the middle of your miracle to sow doubt and get you to question God.
As I've been making my way through this real-life miracle story, there have been so many times when I can just feel the spiritual testing as I go. All the old lies and negative messages seem to reappear, driving home the un-truths about myself, what God is doing, and how it all ends up. It's like there has been a deliberate attempt on the part of the Enemy to toss whatever possible in my direction so that I forget Who is writing this story, what my purpose is in it, and so that I fail to enjoy the delight and wonder that is presented to me in this holy experience.
God can give you a holy moment but you can sure bet that the Enemy will do all he can to spoil it. To ruin the beauty of what you are witnessing. To tell you that it's fleeting... it won't last... you aren't deserving or worthy of such good gifts... pain is just around the corner anyway... it isn't all that special... someone else has it worse, so you aren't allowed to enjoy your own answered prayer... The list continues on and on. The Enemy knows he can't touch you but he can certainly influence you and use your past against you and try to make you think things that aren't true. And all of this can diminish the power of what it feels like to stand on consecrated ground and fall to your knees in worship and awe of the One who orchestrated such a thing.
Over the past several weeks that this on-going miracle has taken place, I've had to repent and surrender... time and time and time again. I've had to bring my fears to God and say, Lord, I believe; help my unbelief. I've had to take the risk of faith and walk into the unknowns, holding the hand of God the whole way. I've had to almost re-learn how to believe for good outcomes. Things have turned out so hard for so many years I've nearly lost the ability to properly celebrate anything or enjoy the power of a moment because some unforeseen problem might arise. It's been a process to bring my trembling, trauma-impacted self to the cross and lay down my need to control or know. To just trust that the glory of God and my ultimate good are always in the storyline and I will find out the details in due time.
For now, living in my own answered prayers doesn't look like what I thought. In some ways, it's even better; in others, perhaps more challenging. Yet through it all, the confirmations just keep coming and the fingerprints of God just keep showing up, reassuring me that all will be well. I am held and safe and this is all happening because I dared to believe that God writes good stories. I know the mind-blowing moments I've witnessed, and I know Who has been behind them the whole time. It's encounters like the one I'm living now that remind me why I believe, and I can't be talked out of it.
So... I will continue to suit up with the heavenly armor and walk forward into the paths toward which He's leading, trusting like a child and knowing, beyond a shadow of doubt, that this too has its place in the narrative of my life and God will not give things to us He knows we can't steward.
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