Sometimes you don't get closure.
I've had to learn this the hard way and, for a person like me who always wants things to be wrapped up in a neat little bow and for everything to be happy-ever-after, this has been one of the most painful things I've discovered. Because let's face it: it's not how situations are supposed to wrap up. Even when a less-than-ideal outcome has occurred, the least those involved can do is own the results and try to end things in as respectful and reasonable a way as possible. But this isn't how it goes most of the time.
Over four years ago, I needed to walk away from something that really mattered to me. I'd poured my heart and soul into this place and its people for close to a decade, only to have it end in a way I never would've expected. The disappointment, the frustration, the pain was real. It felt like leaving a family. I'd done a lot there that I was proud of and I cared for those involved deeply. However, there are times when your hand is forced and stepping back is the only wise thing you can do. In the aftermath, I had hopes of at least getting some closure - apologies, explanations, understanding, healing, restored relationships. And I held out for that for a long time. But after awhile, it became clear that wasn't going to happen. Some went silent, some moved on, some left the state entirely.
A little part of me had sincerely believed that some clarity or "coming-to-Jesus moment" was still possible. I know God can change hearts. I know there's potential for repair in His name. But not everyone chooses to step into that offer - to walk and live out of the healing and freedom that God invites us to and seek the necessary mending it will take to create that closure for all involved. And I've had to sit with that reality and accept that this situation, while several years old now, will never have a right ending. I will probably always have to live with some questions and mystery surrounding what happened and the only thing I can do is decide what to do with it moving forward in my own story.
Maybe you've had a situation like this in your life where the outcome just feels open-ended and like there will always be this confusion, this tension in the story that may never fully get resolved. Some weren't brave enough to have the hard conversation or face their own failure. A diagnosis or medical answer was never discovered. A why was never given. An apology was never delivered. An invite never came, and you feel left out. Whatever the circumstances, closure that should've occurred never did, and now you're left trying to pick up the pieces and decide where to go from here. Gosh, do I feel your heartache. It's happened several times to me over the years, and it never gets any easier. When communication breaks down, pride gets in the way, things fall apart and hurts happen, it's so very understandable that you're filled with questions that may never be completely resolved. It makes sense that you'd feel sad or mad or disillusioned.
It's not supposed to be this way.
But even in the face of such situations, is there anything we can do to find some peace on our end of the deal? Can we move forward with hope even when faced with things we are unable to fix or resolve? I believe so. And it's starts with two powerful truths that have the potential to anchor us when we get hit with circumstances such as these...
First, we make the choice to forgive. Many of us have been falsely led to believe that forgiveness is based on the contrition of the offender and whether or not they have fully apologized or mended their ways. Yet the reality is, forgiveness is more for you than it is for them. Especially if it appears as though an apology will not be coming anytime soon, you must free yourself from the prison of bitterness and resentment that can hold you hostage. Forgiveness sets you free to live a life of openness, love, and peace even when situations are not ideally wrapped up. Choosing to set yourself free from having that person or outcome control your joy and live rent-free in your mind, having power over you and your happiness all the time is worth it. Whether or not the situation ever gets fully resolved, you are free to live the life you were meant for because you are no longer giving that level of influence to the result or people, regardless of how hurtful or inconvenient it was.
Now, some people would say some sins or outcomes are unforgivable. But to that I ask, didn't Jesus Himself have a right to say the same? When we look at the failures of humanity and the errors of human history, nobody has actually deserved mercy or forgiveness. Still, that's exactly what Jesus chose to give. Even the things we would deem unforgivable, He still extends His hand of grace and invites the wrongdoer into a fresh start and a life of hope. Thus, if God can find it in Himself to forgive on that kind of level, maybe we need to reconsider what necessitates forgiveness among ourselves.
Second, when we don't receive the closure we hoped for, God has to be our closure. What I mean by this is... when outcomes haven't gone the way we wanted, we need to trust God to be our witness. He was there. He saw it all. And some things just have to be left for Him to judge and resolve - whether it be this side of Heaven or the other. There are times when the only option left is to hand over that painful situation to Him and let Him deal with it and take it from here. We as humans can only do so much. God can do anything He wants with what we've experienced, and He's promised to turn it for good if only we'll trust Him. When closure has failed to come, we can have faith that He will, somehow, be our closure for us. And that can leave us free to move ahead with peace, knowing that all will be made right in the end... even if it means we have to wait for it.
I've often thought of the biblical character Job and all the suffering he went through and it's occurred to me many times that he never learned of the conversation between God and the Devil about Job's faith and life. He never discovered the why behind what he went through. Did he attempt to figure it out? Sure he did. So did his unhelpful friends. But in the end, God chose to keep that part a secret. Still, Job learned from it and grew from it. God brought good out of it. And the story has been left for us to take heart from when we face our own unexplainable challenges and losses. In the same way, there may be things God never offers you an explanation or a resolution for this side of eternity. You may just need to accept that.
We all want closure. But there will be times when we never get it. Can and will we still pick the path of forgiveness? Can and will we entrust the outcome to God and leave it in His hands? Or will we let the situation lead us down a road of unbelief, causing us to remain angry or sorrowful the rest of our days and giving power over to things or people that can only hold us back? The decision is ours. May we choose right.
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