I caught myself doing it again: slapping on a smile when nothing inside of me feels alive. Saying that I'm "fine" when the whole world around me doesn't feel fine and all I want is to bring back what's been lost and to stop the soul-bleeding and the suffering and to have the ground quit shaking all the time. This comes from a heart that's tired. Honesty spilling out of a spirit that is weary and flesh that is weak. And somehow, God knows. He always does. And judge me for being here, He does not.
Years ago, I lived a life behind a mask. I pretended. I acted. I told the world that I was happy. I gave the impression that I was spiritual. I tried to be the good kid. Yet, behind it all, I held deep doubts and fears and trauma and pain that I never let the world see. And so they thought I was okay. They believed the show. And so it continued. For a very long time. I didn't let anyone into my dark place. And I wasn't even certain God could invade that space. Until the Light-rays penetrated and it all changed forever. I stopped hiding behind who I thought I should be and started living into more of who I was created to be. And the journey has produced many strangely beautiful things, one brave step at a time. Slowly, surely growing into and becoming someone who lives vulnerably, authentically. Someone who isn't afraid to ask for help. Someone who doesn't need to be strong all the time but rather, can learn to be dependent and to lean hard on the One who has seen it all and be there for every part.
But the truth is, I still struggle with this. I still wrestle to trust. I still battle with fear. The mask is never completely far away and I sometimes find myself tempted to put it back on. I think a lot of creatives are this way. They pour themselves out in their work yet often hide the reality of who they are. They disguise their pain with jokes or art or words or all manner of expression, all the while stifling the hurts so that the world never finds out the truth. Because what if it did? Would they still be loved?
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